I came accross this forgotten blog that has aborbed so much of my pain and misery. I was reading through my posts a few minutes ago and I was struck with the desperation in the tone of my writing. I shivered and got goosebumps as I read through what happened 2-3 years back. It amazes me that I am now at this point where I’m alive.

It has been a godawful crawl towards the light. The misery was palpabale months after he told me “it was only right to give his marriage” a chance. I knew in my heart it was the right thing to do and something he SHOULD do.

It was a sort of pre-empted thing that I did. As we wqere talking on the phone(what else!) scratch that. he messaged me saying how he feels it’s right to let me go and I called him and said ok, if that’s what you need to do, let’s do it.

I thought for a while my universe would collapse, but that happened down the line too. Instead of going back to his wife, he was now dating another woman and I was like, ok, it’s your life anyway. The loss was too big for me but my mind tells me, I was just part of the stats. If you are a mistress, the other woman, the “girlfriend” he can never bring home to meet the “family” I have felt as you are feeling now. All the hurt, the anger, the feelings of abandonment and betrayal. It was all there. I wanted to die. My days were filled with work but the moment I was alone I wanted my life to end because it just hurt too much.

I found myself crying and feeling overwhelmed by a sense of loss so deep, I’d cry in public. I remember curling up in a seat while on a ferry while I tried to staunch my tears. Something died but it felt more like killing something that would have been wonderful had it lived. I was aborting this love I have for him that’s bigger than I am and it was ripping me to shreds and I was too helpless and just didn’t know how to cope. It was taking something that was precious and beautiful for me and turning it into ashes.

My words do not exaggarate. I know you feel the same, all of you who had loved a married man, all of you who have been set aside in favor of his family, his honor, his life.

Getting past the grief was the worst of it. I was depressed and made myself sick hoping I’d die. It didn’t happen though. People still cared enough for me for death to be turned away. Not today, death.

I am grateful for the people in my life who helped me through the darkest period in my life. Was it worth the cost? I believe I paid with my sanity for a while.

Time, although it’s passage seemed to take eons in the past two years, have been kinder to me than I deserved. I believe I am stronger today and very graetful I lived through it to tell you the story, sketchy as it is.

If that was grand passion and the truest of loves, I hope I never encounter anything like it again.

Many months ago, I began living again. To find joy in the things I do. To read. To swim. To dance. To serve the organization I’m affiliated with. I made new friends. I travelled. I made peace with the husband as he is still my husband by law.
I began not to hear his voice in my mind anymore. Nor to imagine what he’d say. And finally, I had started to see him objectively without the suffocating shroud that love and passion blinded me with.

I’m regaining my life, it is not over yet. I know storms will come my way but I believe I can ride the swells.

Dear mistress, if you are reading this, I know how high the highs can be and how self immolating the lows are. Believe me when I say, there is no time like the present to get out of that relationship. There is nothing for you in there. In the process of loving your married man, you lose ypourself, your friends, your life. You lose sight of what is important to you as you willingly drop deeper into the abyss of your affair. I urge you to please, please, stop the madness, for it is madness to be in a one sided relationship. You deserve love and  all its painful glory but not tucked or hidden  from plain sight because you are not the wife. You are simply, the mistress.

Hugs to all.