the Now. Wednesday, Jul 25 2012 

I came accross this forgotten blog that has aborbed so much of my pain and misery. I was reading through my posts a few minutes ago and I was struck with the desperation in the tone of my writing. I shivered and got goosebumps as I read through what happened 2-3 years back. It amazes me that I am now at this point where I’m alive.

It has been a godawful crawl towards the light. The misery was palpabale months after he told me “it was only right to give his marriage” a chance. I knew in my heart it was the right thing to do and something he SHOULD do.

It was a sort of pre-empted thing that I did. As we wqere talking on the phone(what else!) scratch that. he messaged me saying how he feels it’s right to let me go and I called him and said ok, if that’s what you need to do, let’s do it.

I thought for a while my universe would collapse, but that happened down the line too. Instead of going back to his wife, he was now dating another woman and I was like, ok, it’s your life anyway. The loss was too big for me but my mind tells me, I was just part of the stats. If you are a mistress, the other woman, the “girlfriend” he can never bring home to meet the “family” I have felt as you are feeling now. All the hurt, the anger, the feelings of abandonment and betrayal. It was all there. I wanted to die. My days were filled with work but the moment I was alone I wanted my life to end because it just hurt too much.

I found myself crying and feeling overwhelmed by a sense of loss so deep, I’d cry in public. I remember curling up in a seat while on a ferry while I tried to staunch my tears. Something died but it felt more like killing something that would have been wonderful had it lived. I was aborting this love I have for him that’s bigger than I am and it was ripping me to shreds and I was too helpless and just didn’t know how to cope. It was taking something that was precious and beautiful for me and turning it into ashes.

My words do not exaggarate. I know you feel the same, all of you who had loved a married man, all of you who have been set aside in favor of his family, his honor, his life.

Getting past the grief was the worst of it. I was depressed and made myself sick hoping I’d die. It didn’t happen though. People still cared enough for me for death to be turned away. Not today, death.

I am grateful for the people in my life who helped me through the darkest period in my life. Was it worth the cost? I believe I paid with my sanity for a while.

Time, although it’s passage seemed to take eons in the past two years, have been kinder to me than I deserved. I believe I am stronger today and very graetful I lived through it to tell you the story, sketchy as it is.

If that was grand passion and the truest of loves, I hope I never encounter anything like it again.

Many months ago, I began living again. To find joy in the things I do. To read. To swim. To dance. To serve the organization I’m affiliated with. I made new friends. I travelled. I made peace with the husband as he is still my husband by law.
I began not to hear his voice in my mind anymore. Nor to imagine what he’d say. And finally, I had started to see him objectively without the suffocating shroud that love and passion blinded me with.

I’m regaining my life, it is not over yet. I know storms will come my way but I believe I can ride the swells.

Dear mistress, if you are reading this, I know how high the highs can be and how self immolating the lows are. Believe me when I say, there is no time like the present to get out of that relationship. There is nothing for you in there. In the process of loving your married man, you lose ypourself, your friends, your life. You lose sight of what is important to you as you willingly drop deeper into the abyss of your affair. I urge you to please, please, stop the madness, for it is madness to be in a one sided relationship. You deserve love and  all its painful glory but not tucked or hidden  from plain sight because you are not the wife. You are simply, the mistress.

Hugs to all.

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13 months after.. Thursday, May 19 2011 

here i am..again. the present finds me a free woman. free from the burden of being..a mistress.

it has been..7 months 🙂 this year we’ve had little communication..a few scattered phone calls..we have a business together. some text messages.

we’re still friends on facebook but since last year..i’ve edited my settings so he sees nothing. no status update, no wall posts by friends, no pictures. 🙂 it was a shaky resolve to not have contact. a few times i’ve failed and peeked into his account.

(y’know for a minute there..i literally had my fingers hovering over the keyboard for a few seconds…it WAS indeed a burden..my soul was crying out for release)

i’m currently trying to get my life back together. there are bad days when i feel overwhelmed with memories

while taking a cab home, ‘melt with you’ by nouvelle vague  played on the radio. result: instant waterworks..

it was a song he shared with me before we got sexy on YM … it was the same song that was played while we had our first lunch together when we first met..(he flew 3,000 miles to see me)..

SNAP! sorry about that.  back to the present..

oh. i forgot. I..am wholly in MY present these days. fully involved with what I do.

the missing parts of me Sunday, Apr 18 2010 

I love you. These past days..I have been trying to relearn my position. That of a mistress. You’ve spoiled me. You’ve lifted the lines that I may have no need to cross its threshold. I miss you tonight so badly. As with any night, I would put my phone on silent. A measure of control for my inner roller coaster. You messaged me saying that you hope i’m already sleeping soundly. Then another message saying you tried to ring me. Oh Love..were it not for relearning…I would take your call. I would stay up and wait for you to call. Almost every night, as She falls asleep..you’d call me. As if being in each other’s ears most parts of the day isn’t enough.

Love…allow me to relearn how to be a mistress. I can’t ever be your wife. I ..tonight…my heart feels like shredded wheat. I mourn each day. I mourn for the US that will never come to fruition. You scare me with your talk of commitment. I need you so much right now. The distance is a curse.

I miss you Love. I can’t help it. I ring you. You. The missing parts of me.

a long weekend Friday, Apr 9 2010 

Mistresses are holiday orphans.  Alone while the MM spends valentines day, christmas, and other holidays with the wife, leaving the Other Woman to her own devices. Mistresses, can you bear the thought? If your world revolves around your MM, then holidays would take you on a downward spiral.

My MM is off to a long weekend with his primary relationship, his parents, and kids. He says He can’t wriggle out of it (the WORM!) since it’s part business. I should be crying my heart out right now. Instead, I’m relieved. It’s a welcome breather. It would also be a chance for him to miss me.

I feel okay right now but who’s to say what I will be feeling hours from now? Mistresses, our emotions can become mercurial.

ugh. Thursday, Apr 8 2010 

I can’t seem to get moving today. So many things to do and the day is half gone!

Need to go to the bank for my new card. Ex went trigger happy with my account and charged away 😦 I can’t even begin to hate him though. What is wrong with me?!

I have a purchase order to email my MM. I think that can wait till later.

I want to swim. Yet, I’m scared I might drown. I’m dizzy. It must be the long nights looking at my relationship with MM through a microscope. Every tiny nuance gets scrutinised.

too peaceful to be love Wednesday, Apr 7 2010 

Prior to meeting Him, Love was defined by passion. An all-consuming fire that would burst into flames and just as suddenly,dwindle to embers. Love was tears and panic, long silences, stonewalling, name calling. Love was the hands that fists as they strike you. Love was being betrayed for the 8 of the 14 years you were  together. Love was forgiving and forgiving for years without the requisite apology. Love was selfish and narcissistic. Love was egotistical and possessive. Love was high drama and intense sadness. it was crippling and enervating. Love thoroughly consumed me that I was Blind. Unfeeling. Mute.

He was my quiet spot.  A cyberplace in the ports of nowhere that welcomed a tattered outrigger. You guessed it. We met online. (and that story will be for another day)

Let’s skip some months, shall we? He declared his love. I was stunned. I was hoping I’ve read it wrong. “I love you.” I tapped. Hit ‘enter’. I sat back. “It can’t be…” I tell myself . I was laughing and shaking my head at the same time. I, in that moment, became a virtual statistic.

I have been looking for all the wrong signals to herald love’s entrance. I thought I’d could keep things platonic. There wasn’t any of all that I had experienced before. Shrug. insidiously, love worked its way with me. In a quiet spot. With my quiet spot.

07 March 2010 Tuesday, Apr 6 2010 

My MM called at about 3 in the afternoon. And this lasted through the evening till midnight. We are practically living vicariously thru each other. I hear what’s going in the background, sometimes he doesn’t bother to end our call when he’s meeting people. Other people. Not their friends. LOL (I just had to clarify that)

So what do a MM and the OW talk about, for hours and hours? Imagine a couple physically together..And that’s how we are. We talked about why I am so listless and not forthcoming. Is it an ‘off’ day for me? MM is solicitous. I tell him I’m ok. In the back of my mind though, were questions roaring in anger for being so brutally held back, caged.

‘You have to go out. ‘ He tells me. “It’s cabin fever…what’s that Stephen King movie again?” “Misery.” I replied.  So I toddled off to the nearest park. I’ve been cooped up inside for almost a week. I had been sick. whenever I’m sick or stressed or overwhelmed, he would say he feels terrible that he can’t be with me. The child in me screams, “OH YEAH?!’ While the adult in me valiantly tries to calm the child with reason…

While at the park we talked of what I am feeling. I’m a Holiday Orphan. I blurted. “A what?” He asks. I clarify. After a few minutes of silence from his end, he says he doesn’t want me to be one. He feels awful about everything. He asked if things would be better for me if he’s not in the picture.

Is it? The answer is obvious, ladies and gents. And while you recognize the mechanisms of survival kicking in, you simultaneously start grieving for the death of which to come.

“If I want you bad enough, I should leave her. Is that what you’re thinking? ” he says. Yes. YES! But my mouth couldn’t say it. Instead I tell him I’m not even thinking. That I am trying to just deal with the situation.

I went home, it’s dinner. I asked if I can call him back. We resumed talking afterwards.

MM was buying a new headset, driving, getting coffee, going home, fixing the headset, etc. While all of What I’ve mentioned was happening to me.

We started video chatting on Gtalk. Chat is not what is defined but is interspersed with him or me, doing what we do around the house. We might sit in front of the PC for a while but get up and attend to something when need be. How does one maintain privacy?

The both of us wants none of it.  Thru  this media, we’ve coupled so much as to uncouple now or later,  would leave us raw, bleeding, and perhaps, non functional. We see each other in our natural environment. There are no secrets between us. I don’t fool myself into thinking that they don’t talk. They have a life together.

We ended the call/chat at midnight. He was sleepy and She was home already.

I did more reading.

06 April 2010 Tuesday, Apr 6 2010 

I switched off both cellular phones as I went to bed early last night. You see, He would call me late at night, when his wife is asleep. We would talk well into the early morning. We would talk of just about anything and nothing. So it goes like that during the day too. Free unlimited calls by a certain service provider allowed us to be in each other’s ear for most parts of the day.

I woke at around midnight, switched my phone on, and saw his message come in. “Love?” I messaged him. he tells me he’s reading and is sleepy. I replied with a “g’nyt.” A few minutes later my phone rang. He says he called to bid me goodnight. So it went. I slept well and woke up early. A welcome change.  past 8:00 AM he calls. And so goes our morning. Both of us, handsfree headsets in our ears as we go about our individual rituals and duties. I am quiet today, unlike other days. He feels it. He asks if there was anything wrong. I answered that I was fine. Which I am. Only…I find there’s nothing to say. Strange.  He heads home in the later part of morning. They are going to see a movie. He says he’ll call again after  the movie’s done. I expect he will…

Soon I will be taking pictures of items to sell at a popular auction site.

My Married Man and I live 3,000 plus miles apart. It is the daily conversation via phone that connects us. The most we could meet at a month would be twice…and never overnight. Except for that one time in December of 2009.

 “Don’t think of it that way,” he once told me. “I’m just an hour away” (that’s by plane).

But first…a cup of hot milk tea.

etiquette Tuesday, Apr 6 2010 

I didn’t stick myself into this abyss blindly. On my good days I can make believe I’d be out of it and be free. On worse days, I feel there’s nothing to look forward to. The other night was awful. It was a culmination of a weeks worth of reading and introspection on being a mistress. That’s what I am. A mistress. A married man’s Other Woman. The same plot as with mistresses throughout the ages.

As my tale here unfolds, I hope to gain clarity. Clarity to evaluate life as I am living it now. Strength to make choices. I hope to have learned selfishness. The selfishness of loving myself above all. I hope to emerge from this experience without bitterness or hatred.

Yes, I am at that stage of discontent. When phone calls and video chats and the occasional 8 hour day a month just won’t do. When phone calls are ended because he’s at the gate of their house or she’s entered  the room. When you have exhausted yourself waiting up for his call.

Frustration and discontent. Both lead me to be frank with him. We talked on the phone for almost 4 hours that night. It is his mantra for us not to think too hard about it.

“I can’t leave her” The 4 hours of conversation is  summed up with this four devastating words. Who am I kidding? I’ve seen this coming.  I expected it yet I was hoping he’d disappoint me…I can’t remember if there was a “yet” tagged to that statement. He says to bear with him. To give him 3 months, time enough for him to set things in motion. For him to tell her about me and how things are. 

Oh. Etiquette. I was reading the 28 things listed under etiquette for mistresses. 2 years ago i would’ve thrown it away. What garbage! What rot! But that was the past. I am here now…

 More posts to follow.